Tag Archives: MPD

Being Sold for Sex

I was sold for sex.

My earliest memory is of a man (a man of about 25 or 30) coming to the house. And raping me. I was about 3 years old. My mother watched. She seemed anxious. When he had finished with me, my mother looked at me with contempt. The rapist looked at me with something like….vague fondness. He showed more affection for me than my mother did. I wound up leaving my own body. I think I sat there playing with the toys the rapist had given me (expensive toys, if I remember correctly) feeling like I was on another planet altogether. I don’t think I cried. I always seem to have this resigned, lost look in my eyes as an infant and child…

I was majorly triggered when I read a recent news story. A 15-year old girl in New Jersey took her 7 year old sister to a party. The 15 year old had sex with a number of teenage boys and grown men, in exchange for cash. Then she took more cash and let them start touching her 7 year old sister. Soon the ‘touching’ escalated to gang rape of the 7 year old. Apparently six or seven grown men raped the 7 year old. I strongly got the impression (just my intuition) that this wasn’t the first such experience for those two girls. (Read their news story here). Any more than my rape at age 3 (my earliest memory) was the first time I was raped. Medical records suggest I’d already been raped by the time I was 18 months, if not earlier. At that time, when I was 3, I was briefly examined by a social worker who noted that I ‘hopefully’ had not been raped as my vagina was not torn. She noted that I did have ‘vulval soreness’, that I seemed detached and that I subsequently developed a virulent urinary tract infection. I wasn’t ‘torn’ though (not on the outside) because at age three, I had not been a virgin. I’d already had that taken away from me.

Happy 2010

Hello and sorry for the long absence. I’ve been busy masquerading as a Normal Person. In terms of my therapy I am feeling pretty let down and there hasn’t been a great deal of progress. My primary therapist is competent but expensive and sometimes unreliable (she seems to be ill a lot and cancels appointments far too often for my liking). The NHS are still proving utterly useless. More soon…..

My alter personalities embarrass the shit out of me

My alters  - some of them at least, are embarrassing as hell.  One of them is calling herself Satin C*nt and she is, you guessed it, whorish in her actions.  This is the one that has gotten me into the most trouble.  I cannot bring myself to go into too much detail but to give you an idea of things, that particular alter has – on at least two occasions – gone to job interviews and had sex with the interviewer during the interview.  Unprotected sex no less.  Then one of the anti-sex alters comes out later and invariably tries to overdose on painkillers to kill the shame of what S.C. has done.

I don’t even mention this stuff to the Men In White Coats (psychiatric professionals) because they’d lock me up in a psychiatric unit for sure if the knew, right?