Following my last couple of rants about my problematic therapist – good news. In writing about it I realised that actually I do NOT deserve to be treated like sh*t. That might sound obvious, right? But in my case, it hadn’t really occurred to me that I was worth anything. I thought I just had to accept any old crap anybody chose to dole out. Well I don’t! I spent much of yesterday researching, making calls, seeking a better therapist. I have some good leads and I’m being put on the waiting list for a really great therapy service.
One thing I’ve found in the year and a half I’ve been having therapy is that my therapist repeatedly says:
“Your mother set you up to have sex with a lot of men when you were a baby.”
“You had sex with lots of men during your infancy”
What the therapist is alluding to is the fact that my mother used to invite pedophiles over to the house to rape me, from when I was about 18 months old.
I explained to the therapist that “to have sex with” implies some sort of activity on my part. As a grown woman (I am in my 30s) if I wanted to now, I could go out and “have sex with” a man or with men. As a baby, lying there in my crib too young to have even developed the power of speech yet, how could I possibly “have sex with” anybody? All I could do is be raped. I could not actively have sex. It could only be done to me. I explained all this to the therapist. I told her that by repeatedly claiming I had sex with men when I was only a baby and toddler she is being inaccurate and she is re-traumatizing me. But guess what? She continues to use that phrasing. She REFUSES to call it rape.
I had a session with my therapist today. Following our session I was so traumatised (by HER) that I immediately drank a whole bottle of alcohol and contemplated suicide. I have now calmed down somewhat and I am left with the following questions:
Is it normal for a therapist to remind me constantly that she is seeing me at a concessionary rate and that I should be grateful? [I pay £25 per session to my therapist. My total weekly income at present is £18.65. I am only able to live by getting into enormous debt at the bank. I am unable to work because I’m in such a state I can’t even leave the house regularly]
How am I supposed to display this gratitude and is it even fair for a therapist to expect me to be bowing and scraping? If she feels resentment should she not simply refuse to offer concessions and refuse to treat paupers like me at all?
Is it normal for her to talk about the fact she used to be broke and she is only wealthy now thanks to her husband and that she is not making much money from being a therapist?
Is it normal for her to share with me the “irony” of her having spent thousands on training and yet “not getting the going rate” from her DID clients?
Is it normal that after a therapy session I should feel suicidal and in a state of despair and unable to eat or stop crying for 12 hours afterwards?
Is it normal to come away from a therapy session feeling I’ve been attacked?
I was sold for sex.
My earliest memory is of a man (a man of about 25 or 30) coming to the house. And raping me. I was about 3 years old. My mother watched. She seemed anxious. When he had finished with me, my mother looked at me with contempt. The rapist looked at me with something like….vague fondness. He showed more affection for me than my mother did. I wound up leaving my own body. I think I sat there playing with the toys the rapist had given me (expensive toys, if I remember correctly) feeling like I was on another planet altogether. I don’t think I cried. I always seem to have this resigned, lost look in my eyes as an infant and child…
I was majorly triggered when I read a recent news story. A 15-year old girl in New Jersey took her 7 year old sister to a party. The 15 year old had sex with a number of teenage boys and grown men, in exchange for cash. Then she took more cash and let them start touching her 7 year old sister. Soon the ‘touching’ escalated to gang rape of the 7 year old. Apparently six or seven grown men raped the 7 year old. I strongly got the impression (just my intuition) that this wasn’t the first such experience for those two girls. (Read their news story here). Any more than my rape at age 3 (my earliest memory) was the first time I was raped. Medical records suggest I’d already been raped by the time I was 18 months, if not earlier. At that time, when I was 3, I was briefly examined by a social worker who noted that I ‘hopefully’ had not been raped as my vagina was not torn. She noted that I did have ‘vulval soreness’, that I seemed detached and that I subsequently developed a virulent urinary tract infection. I wasn’t ‘torn’ though (not on the outside) because at age three, I had not been a virgin. I’d already had that taken away from me.
Hello and sorry for the long absence. I’ve been busy masquerading as a Normal Person. In terms of my therapy I am feeling pretty let down and there hasn’t been a great deal of progress. My primary therapist is competent but expensive and sometimes unreliable (she seems to be ill a lot and cancels appointments far too often for my liking). The NHS are still proving utterly useless. More soon…..
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged MPD, NHS
My alters – some of them at least, are embarrassing as hell. One of them is calling herself Satin C*nt and she is, you guessed it, whorish in her actions. This is the one that has gotten me into the most trouble. I cannot bring myself to go into too much detail but to give you an idea of things, that particular alter has – on at least two occasions – gone to job interviews and had sex with the interviewer during the interview. Unprotected sex no less. Then one of the anti-sex alters comes out later and invariably tries to overdose on painkillers to kill the shame of what S.C. has done.
I don’t even mention this stuff to the Men In White Coats (psychiatric professionals) because they’d lock me up in a psychiatric unit for sure if the knew, right?